I don’t know about you guys, by November I started to feel the crunch of the impending holidays coming. This insidious feeling of anxiety encroached when I began to see notices for upcoming events, performances, meetings, practices, parties, fundraisers, bell-ringing solicitors… Thankfully, this came on the heels of my first iphone-giving me a way to really organize and prioritize my thoughts and commitments. I decided it was O.K. to opt out of whatever I didn’t feel like taking on and do what I could.

The picture above was taken at Macy’s. The kids and I were so excited to see the first inkling of Christmas burgeoning. It was the calm before my personal storm. As we were exiting the mall I realized I lost my parking ticket. I know exactly what happened. When I took out my precious iphone to take the photo, it fell out of my back pocket and was lost in fairy land. Ya’ll know I HATE to waste money! The thought of paying $20 to exit the mall was more than my frugal heart could bear. I (may) have done what any practical (not really) person would do- I gunned it! Yes, I tried to escape the clutches of the parking arm only to slam on my brakes as it let me know it wasn’t happening. I (may have) left this detail out of my original telling of the story to my husband and cop dad.

Lesson learned! My car is worth more than $20 and I (may have) scared the mess out of my children and surrounding pedestrians. Where am I going with this? Calm the bleep down is what I learned! Just and hour earlier I was surging with Christmas-induced oxytocin watching my children enjoy the first signs of this season’s beauty.

Fall 2011 began the countdown to the last year of my twenties. I must say that I am clearly still maturing and constantly being humbled. I have always struggled with life’s unfairness and keeping an eternal perspective. I may have failed this test; hopefully I’ll get it next time. ( I may have three free parking passes to the same mall, after I may have called and complained about their nonsense lost ticket policy) Allegedly.

Does this sweet face remind you of someone? That’s me as a wee one, not too much younger than Tatianna is now. Over the last few months I have been bombarded with deja vu moments of being in the 5-6.5 year age range. I have a profoundly acute long-term memory and this time period is where I began to catalog memories in greater detail. Tia is now in that age range; it is so weird to experience her experiencing some of the same things I did at the same age! It’s even more surreal when you add to it that she and I are like clones.

Besides the fact that we are both obsessed with all things Christmas, some examples of this phenomenon are her saying “I love this song”! Referring to “Beat It”, Michael Jackson’s 80’s hit. I can see myself rockin’ in my pjs to the tune with my childhood babysitter who was his biggest fan (she was probably wearing a T-shirt with his face on it that day). Then there was the time I came to my mom with a bow right on the front of my hair, my mom matter-of-factly let me know I looked like Minnie Mouse (and not in a good way). Guess who is combing her own hair and placing bows in the exact same place?

My favorite deja vu moment happened after a recent business trip Patrick took. He went to MN for a few days and brought back some cool souvenirs for the three of us. Snuggled in bed; we all closed our eyes and received our gifts. Watching Tia fawn over her treasure (an itty-bitty shopping cart) reminded me of the anticipation I had for my dad’s return home from trips- the feeling of “all is right in the world because we are a family again” had my heart feeling so big!

My favorite television shows are on T.V. for my mini-me to see too. Watching her engaged in She-Ra , My Little Ponies, and my all time favorite Gem makes me feel like I’m in a time-machine with her, it really is deja vu times two.

Last November I bought Taylor Swift’s latest album, yes; I like her music. There is a track that sounds like a lullaby and the lyrics are a message to her young self which choruses “Ooh darling, don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little, it could be this simple”. The song is in hindsight; wishing she knew how precious and fleeting her youth was and it encourages her to treasure simple things like the sound of the door opening when daddy gets home and to speak nicely to her mom because one day she will be quite old and will want more of her.

It warms and warns my heart because my doll-of-a-daughter has the sweet innocence of  a youngster and the insightful maturity of an old soul. I was “wise beyond my years” as a child and with that comes a premature awareness of the ugly things in life. However, I don’t want to cushion her from every blow because that would be a disservice. The song recites about a lack of scars at this blossoming age. With God’s grace I have received virtual Mederma to cover scars amassed through my nearly three decades; I have seen more than I wish and want to shield her preciousness for as long as I can.

The job of a mom is strange in theory. As humans we nurture our young longer than any other mammals. We invest the totality of our protection into these blooming creatures only to send  them off into a world we know is flawed and sometimes tragic. This picture is of her Kindergarten graduation. One stranger exclaimed to me,”I’ve caught fish bigger than that baby” when she was a a tiny preemie. Tatianna is now an energetic, reading, rock-climbing sage. She is only on loan. I will hum the tune of “Ooh darling don’t you ever grow up until she is, well, grown-up.

Actually when my kids proclaim that they say: “It’s not there”! Makes me laugh partly because it sounds silly and partly because it reminds me of when I would say that as a child. My dad’s comeback was; “If you want fair go to Pomona”. I had no idea what he was talking about until I asked him and he let me know there was a notable county fair in Pomona, CA. I’d get so annoyed at my parents seemingly, careless attitude toward my essential desires.

Then the unthinkable happens-you utter the exact same words your parents said to you as a kid. You hear yourself say it and you think “I can’t believe I just said that”!  You did. For good reason. My three-year old said “That’s not there (fair)” to me recently when he really shouldn’t have. I looked him right in the eyes and told him “What’s not fair is that there are people in Japan who don’t have anywhere to live because tsunamis washed there homes away, and did you have breakfast this morning? Well some kid in Africa didn’t, and they are hungry because they had no dinner either- NOW THAT’S NOT FAIR (said with more sterness than yelling :)!”

He was silent and still. And the voice inside me said “Good for you Corrita”! Part of maturation is knowing that no matter your upbringing there are lessons you will want to discard and lessons for keeps. It’s O.K. Go ahead, say those cringe-worthy quips.
Here’s a good one: “Because I said so”!
Classic.